


This isn’t what I want, yet it’s what I asked for

by darkinblade



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Choking, Emetophobia, Gen, Neck trauma, all that fun stuff, violence but it’s all in his head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 11:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19131376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkinblade/pseuds/darkinblade
Summary: Kayn may have bitten off more than he could chew.





	This isn’t what I want, yet it’s what I asked for

**Author's Note:**

> hey hi this is my first time posting to ao3
> 
> it’s an old fic, if it cuts off kind of abrubtly it’s because i never really 100% finished it but i like it? so.. i guess that’s it.  
> ((((爾___爾))))  
> title is lyrics from those undertale su covers (i’m sorry i’ve never played undertale i just really like that song)

“You were meant to destroy the darkin weapon.”

 

Zed’s voice —  _ perfect, steady, calm, as if he were talking about something as casual as the weather _ . Kayn imagined he would have preferred being yelled at. He could feel the curious gazes of some of the acolytes brave enough to look on as the master of shadows debriefed his star pupil. He had botched his last mission. More than botched it, he knew. It had been a colossal, absolute shit-show, hadn’t it? He supposed he should be humiliated at the stares of his peers in the wake of his failure. Perhaps he should be upset with himself for letting his master, the man he idolized more than anything else in the world, down. Perhaps,  _ perhaps  _ he should be even a bit afraid. Zed’s composure was perfectly stoic as always, yet he could physically feel his rage. Oppressive and all consuming. It weighed down on every part of Kayn’s aching body. Even so, he could only feel a numbness in his chest that spread to his fingertips.  _ The air in here is so heavy.  _ He thought.  _ I’m tired. _

 

Surprisingly, Zed had naught more to say and simply turned away from his student. He left the grand hall of the order without another word — probably to retire to his chambers. He didn’t even bother dismissing Kayn.

 

Kayn couldn’t remember walking to his own room, simply stood in the doorway blinking in confusion. Vision blurry, the only light the dim glow radiating from the core of that. . Damned weapon.  _ You were meant to destroy the darkin weapon.  _ Zed’s words echoed in his head.  _ Why destroy what I can control? What I can wield at my fingertips?  _ Kayn wondered. His head throbbed. Conflicted. He closed the door and dumped the scythe unceremoniously onto the floor. Looking at himself in the mirror, he had dark bags under his eyes. His hair was a mess where it fell loose from the long braid trailing down his back. His body was caked in sweat and dirt and blood among other substances he could only guess at. He desperately needed a bath. 

 

Much more, already he could see the chitinous membrane that corrupted him creeping further up his forearm. Blood red and pulsating eerily as if it were alive. He felt sick. Turning away from his reflection, Kayn felt his stomach twist up into knots. The inside of his mouth stung and he quickly jumped to grab the nearest container. It turned out to be a jug he sometimes used to carry water up to his room when he didn’t feel like using the temple’s bathhouse, something he at least wouldn’t feel too bad about soiling. Kayn retched violently into the jug, tears stinging his eyes and bile burning his throat. He pressed his cheek against the cool ceramic rim when he was done. His entire body was shivering, spit shined his bottom lip as he gazed vacantly towards his bed with glassy eyes.

 

_ Right, I’m exhausted.  _ He reminded himself. Standing up shakily, Kayn made his way to his bed, kicking the weapon even further across the floor in disgust. Collapsing into his cot, he willed himself to fall asleep.

 

His legs dangled helplessly beneath him. He tried to move his arms, to no avail. His body had frozen in place, rebelling against him, refusing to move even the slightest bit. He gasped —  _ No, can’t open my mouth.  _ Tried to suck in a breath of air —   _ Can’t breathe.  _ His limbs rejected all commands his mind sent to them.  _ Can’t breathe.  _ Somewhere in his mind he recognized that he was suspended in a liquid, sinking slowly down further into the murky depths.  _ Can’t breathe.  _ Sinking.. Sinking, further from the rapidly disappearing surface. Helpless to swim back up,  _ Can’t breathe, can’t breathe, I can’t fucking breathe. _

 

_ Am I. . dying?  _ He wondered.

 

**_No._** A voice echoed back — not his own, no, yet it came from. . inside him? Kayn struggled, tried to claw his way back to the surface. Anything to get away from that incessant voice. He was useless, of course, unable to move at all. **_No._** It repeated. **_It’s not your turn to die. Not yet._** He felt hands close around his throat; hands he couldn’t see but feel, crushing his airway, an oppressive force.

 

_ Stop- _

 

**_Why?_** The voice asked him. **_You already cannot breathe. How does it feel trying to suck air into lungs which you no longer have, perpetually drowning_** **—** ** _yet never able to die? Does it hurt?_** Kayn wanted to scream. The ghostly grip constricted around his throat, he was sure it should have collapsed on itself from the force by now. Miraculously it hadn’t. Then again perhaps it was no miracle at all, really. **_A pressing weight closing in on you from every angle while you’re helpless to move, to fight back, does it scare you? Being trapped in a prison of your own design, a shell of what you once were. Oh, and it was beautiful, wasn’t it? Now look at you. A mockery of your once beautiful form, now defiled and disgusting. I see the way you look at the blight creeping up your arm. How does it feel to be tainted, Kayn?_**

 

Spots of black clouded Kayn’s vision like soot, and he gave one last ditch, useless effort to escape the hold on him.  _ Let me go. Please. _

 

**_I was beautiful once too, you know._ ** The darkin **—** it must be the darkin, what else could it be? **—** The darkin replied, and suddenly. . suddenly the grip on his throat was gone, and Kayn was met with the sickening sensation of rapidly surfacing from the depths which he was submerged.

 

He awoke with a start, clawing desperately at his throat as he sucked in huge lungfuls of air. “Fuck **—** ” He cursed. Of course, there was nothing holding his neck,  _ of course.  _ “It was. . where are you?” He was met with the sound of mirthful cackling, erupting from both the scythe and inside his head. Kayn would have glared at the weapon had his stomach not decided then to twist up into about a dozen knots. He staggered out of bed, certain his body had nothing left to give **—** only to be proved wrong when he retched back into the bowl. “What are you doing to me, darkin?”

 

__


End file.
